“OUCH! That really hurt.” I heard my husband cry out. “Say sorry. We tell each other sorry when we hurt others.”
It’s something that we said over and over as our oldest has gotten older. There was nothing inherently wrong with teaching our kids to apologize when they hurt someone or when they were wrong… because after all, we would love for our children to fess up to their mistakes or moments of poor judgment.
However, a cycle of behavior started that was not only annoying but also not helpful.
Because then each scenario would go down like this… “Jenn, did you color on the furniture?” a very high-pitched staccato “SAH-RY” would ring out about 5 times and she would go on her way. “No, you don’t just get to say sorry and suddenly be off the hook. That’s not how it works.” I would remind her.
But sorry became a band-aid word for any and all situations.
And it lost its meaning.
It was ineffective and lacked that level of politeness and grace we desire all people to have when they’re in the wrong… and know it.
The secret phrase for teaching a child to apologize with grace
So we shifted.
We made a pivot in our family to not only not force “I’m sorry” but to not even require the word sorry. There are so many sincere ways to apologize and ask for forgiveness without even using the word; therefore, we started using a different phrase to encourage empathy in our kids.
“Apologize and make it right” is the new normal.
Whether it’s reinforcing sibling boundaries, playing with friends, or disputes between parent and child, it’s important for us to now encourage our kids to follow through with action as a way of asking for forgiveness.
“But I said I’m sorry” I often hear Jenn say after an altercation with her sister. To which we simply respond “… but did you work to make it right?”
It’s a simple phrase.
And though it’s so simple, it’s highly effective.
But what’s even more important is how we model it as parents.
Shifting away from the sorry-and-dash tactics also means that as parents we do a better job of modeling apologizing. And in doing so we strive to purposefully find ways to do so without saying the word sorry.
How to apologize to each other and sincerely mean it
Need ideas on how to teach your kids to say sorry or to model it for them? This free printable has 14 effective phrases to use when asking for forgiveness. There’s a preview below and simply subscribe with your email and you’ll get an instant download.
More parenting resources and teachable moments
Read my friend Paula’s post on how a parent can teach consent to young kids.
Kara is an author and advocate for positive, grace-filled parenting. She is homeschooler to her 5 children living on a farm in New England. She believes in creative educational approaches to help kids dive deeper into a rich learning experience and has her degree in Secondary Education & Adolescent Childhood Development. She is passionate about connecting with and helping other parents on their journey to raise awesome kids!
Elizabeth Gianakakis
So true and important. You made a good point that it takes the parents to model this behavior first !
Lana
Thank you for sharing this I’ve had 7 kids some are in their 50s I’ve never thought telling someone to say I’m sorry meant very much
If you must tell them THEY aren’t really sorry so what’s the point. This needs to be advertised everywhere! Thank you!
Brian
Love your article and have been teaching my students/athletes ……. I don’t want a “Sorry or my mistake” I just want you to “fix it” or “get it done” ect.
Hollie Holbrook
I have been dealing with this issue for about 4 days now. I think this article was meant for me to read. I will, without a doubt be trying to implement this today. Thank you!
Kara Carrero
You are welcome! I am so glad that it was helpful. We’re by no means perfect, but this has definitely made amazing progress in the “sorry” epidemic in our house.
Ali Dubin
It’s hard to teach empathy. It’s the most human way to be with each other. This is a step in the right direction. Sorry is a verb. If you simply use the word, but don’t take action to change the behavior – it’s not an apology.
Christine Jancay
Great advice! Working with children, I too, feel like it’s far too common for someone to say “sorry” and dash, but also, for the one hurt or offended, to respond with an automatic response of , “it’s okay”. making me cringe. I mean, really, WAS IT OKAY? I try to teach/model instead of saying “it’s okay”, to say, “I appreciate the apology”, or “thank you for apologizing” and then follow up with, “please don’t do it again”, sometimes, being very specific/repeating what the person did that was hurtful so it’s clear to the other person about what was hurtful. It’s a good lesson in helping to give our kids their own voice & teaching them how important it is to let others know how we want/expect to be treated.
Angela
I agree! I tell others not to tell my children “it’s ok” after an apology as it truly wasn’t ok or an apology wouldn’t be needed. I taught my kids to say “apology accepted” instead. I told them accepting the apology doesn’t mean that they have to forget the actions but it gives them an end point to move forward from as that moment is over. Still working on that with the adults in my life though, Lol!
Angela
I have my kids apologize in detail so that way I know they know what they did wrong and acknowledge it and the person whom was the victim. Example “I apologize for yelling mean things at you Jane Doe.” I found out that sometimes they truly had no idea what was wrong and saying sorry was a quickness response but a missed teaching/learning opportunity. I do agree with how to make it right however sometimes I don’t even know how to make it right. So this can become a challenge. Kid A eats Kid B’s treat and it is the last one. Kid B hits Kid A for not sharing. Some situations I truly am at a loss. I have no replacement treat and obviously the hitting has already happened how does one “fix” that? No idea how to make that right. Long run yes but not short term/instant which is what young learning brains need as they will loose the teachable moment as time passes. I do the best that I can and try to find creative ways to tell a role reversal story to help each child understand the other child’s situation/feelings. They say it takes a tribe…. lol I am but one woman! I parent on a wing and a prayer and hope for the best!
Rhonda Marsh
I will use this with my day care kids and my children
Sally
Good job blaming your husband for everythingwrong while you swooped in to save the day with the “right” way *eyeroll*
Kara Carrero
Not true. The second paragraph I very clearly mention that WE taught her to say sorry and later on that as a family, “WE shifted”. There is no blame game here. My husband and I raise our children together and we learn together. That’s even the premise of “Extremely Good Parenting” that all great parents fail, but that great parents learn from those mistakes and failures no matter how big or small. The opening line is just part of a story. It’s much easier to tell a story from the outside. And quite honestly is the exact same line I heard many times. Because our kids have too many times climbed on him stepping in *ahem* a sensitive area.
Jacksie
I love this article, And also the discussions that followed in the comments. Forcing a child to apologize doesn’t mean they feel bad about what they have done, so I love the idea of making it right…. even with little ones that have less language skills…. I can help them feel sincere and check on a friend or give them a hug or have them help get an ice pack or pick up toys with the friend and so on… I feel like these experiences are a lot more effective and great practice for the foundation of building empathy as they grow! I love when you said that none of us our perfect parents, but what we learn and how we apply it differently the next time is part of what makes a good parent❤
Btw- I didn’t read it at all that you were blaming hubby, just that it was part of the story!
Karen Rattigan
I agree with you. With my children, my own and in class, they have to make a statement after they have said they’re sorry. Eg. I’m sorry I pushed Jenny over. I will walk around her next time.
Mary Frances Duren
This sounds like a great way to teach children and adults
that we need to do moe than just say I’m sorry! Thank you for these and other ideas.
Jean
As the director of a child care learning center, I am dealing with this on a daily basis. I use, can you try to find something nice to say to your friend and sorry means that you won’t do it again. This is a constant struggle with 3-5 year olds. Thanks for the article and giving me more phrases to use!
Phil and Jacque
Thank you, for reminding us that the words of an apology must be sincere and backed by action to repair the wounds we’ve inflicted! Sorry alone, does not cut it!
Sarmad
Excellent! Thank you! ❤
Elizabeth McGlone
Thank you for this… I am 33 years old and need to learn how to do this and admit I am wrong when I am. This sort of communication is really hard for me, I didn’t grow up with this … It was be mad, argue, say I’m sorry and move on but the memory and pain is still there and yet it maybe forgotten over time the next time you argue it’s like salt on an old wound that’s been reopened. Thank you again.
Emma
Thank you for the great information on wise and compassionate communication. Young and old, children and adults, we all need this information and forum to share ideas and ideal ways of treating each other.
Bec.B
Come across this article via a facebook page. I have actually starting asking my why they have apologised after saying sorry so they can own what they have done wrong and think about. This came about as Miss 11 started not wanting to say sorry. When my children were you we got into the habit of saying “Apology accepted” which I now see as not being right either, a simple thank you would have sufficed.
Lee
I have had great success with my middle school kids when they say “sorry,” by telling them that sorry is when you don’t do it again.
You can often see by the shock on their faces, that they never considered that changing heir behavior was part of contrition.