The rare gift of negotiating with kids: how to use it as a teaching tool

By 10 AM today my toddler was eating a vanilla ice cream shake. Why? Because I negotiated with my child.

We’re in the middle of a move across country and my heart knows I need to loosen my grip on our day in order to get things done. So today? I will compromise on food because I know it’s not an every day occurrence.

So when Jenn started screaming in the parking lot because she couldn’t unlock the car door by herself, we talked. We worked it out with a peaceful parenting approach that allowed both of us to talk it out.

We talked about how I was holding baby sister and couldn’t pick big sister up to unlock the door.
We talked about how babies may cry when they need something, but big kids don’t scream when they don’t get something they want.
And in the process, we discussed what big kids can do that babies can’t.

So in the end, we settled on the fact that big girls eat real food; therefore, she could even have an ice cream shake if she would give me the keys and eat healthy foods through the day.

So let’s first get this straight. When I say negotiate, I am sure you hear bribe and persuade. Maybe you even see that in the story.

But that’s not what I said, nor what I did.

To negotiate is an action meaning that both sides reach an agreement by discussion. And that exactly the kind of parenting style I want to exhibit.

Why negotiating with young kids improves the parenting relationship

There are four types of parents: authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and uninvolved. Which do you want to exhibit to your children and which one is most like real life?

Because I believe in discipline, consequences, setting limits, and problem-solving, I subscribe to the authoritative parenting model. Therefore, negotiating with kids falls in this category.

This means the parent is in control but confronts the doubts, questions, and even power struggles without ignoring their child’s needs and desires. Also without being so permissive/uninvolved to be used like a doormat.

 

You’re not a less powerful parent if you engage in negotiation

All too often I hear parents say that they refuse to negotiate with their kids and that it shows a lack of follow through and doesn’t teach consequences. But ironically enough, if you look in the thesaurus negotiate is a synonym for follow through. So to be perfectly clear, it doesn’t give up the keys to the kingdom, it simply allows them to feel like they’re not held hostage within the boundaries that you set.

Negotiating can mean you present two choices to which natural consequences will arise from the one that they choose. And in talking it out by hearing out a child’s perspective builds trust in a parent’s follow-through typically more than a parent’s authoritarian promise to lay down the law.

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How & Why to Negotiate with Children

Remember, bribing kids is not the goal. But teaching our kids to be able to settle an argument or come to terms with their peers or maybe even adults in their lives is great tool to have and important to foster independent and confident children.

It teaches respect and trust with adults

When I talk with my daughter about something and negotiate with her, it means I need to… no, I must… follow through on my end. If I tell her at the end of our conversation that she is going to get an ice cream shake and I don’t deliver, then it is teaching her that she cannot trust what I say.

It also means that future discussions are going to be harder or not happen at all because she thinks she can’t trust me; thus, authoritarian and not authoritative parenting would have to come into play. But if she develops a respect for working through situations with me, we can both trust that the other will follow through in the end. So it’s all about mutual respect and mutual trust between parent and child.

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Settling an agreement with kids is about encouraging the earned, and not rewarding

Would you be so bold as to tell a CEO of a company that their paycheck is a reward and not something they earned?

Rewards are something given for recognition and typically are arbitrary and no discussion is involved. So this is not about giving stickers, candy, or treats for using the bathroom or anything of that sort. It’s about opening positive parenting communication with children where certain expectations are set for both child and parent.

It’s a verbal contract. So just like we negotiate contracts in real life, we are negotiating contracts with our toddlers

It is {An Important} Part of Life

While I have already illustrated this point, it needs to be said. In real life, few people reward us for mundane tasks.

However, we all must learn to negotiate. We do this to buy houses, automobiles, terms of service in contracts, the pay we receive for the work we do, and more.

There is value in what we do as individuals and I am not only teaching her that she has a voice, but I am also teaching her that she has value.

[color-box] Discover more ways to be successful in raising confident children.[/color-box]

It is an effective way to teach problem-solving to children

I am a firm believer in not doing everything for children and teaching them to problem solve. If my toddler wants an orange, I am less likely to get it for her and more likely to ask her “What are the steps needed to get that orange?”. So just like I teach problem-solving, I want to teach her that she can problem solve and think outside of the box in situations as well.

Opening conversation helps teach and discuss

Finally, but not any less important, to negotiate with a child is to open the door for discussion and gives the ability to teach.

Again, in our ice cream at 10 am scenario, I was able to teach her appropriate behaviors for her age. I was able to teach her that we must care for those smaller and less able than ourselves. And I was able to teach her that I was willing to talk to her and not write her off even in the heat of the moment.

In the end, learning to negotiate with young children and allowing it in your home has the potential to build stronger relationships through teachable moments. 

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