My daughter has been 2 for three weeks now and it’s as if someone let her know that being two meant acting differently. Literally, it feels like a switch went off in her and now each day contains power struggles, meltdowns, and choices. Lots of choices. In the journey to foster her independence over the past several months and strive towards being a more intentional parent, I have always given choices. But just like in real life, no matter our age, there are consequences for the choices we make. And teaching toddlers consequences for their choices is not easy.
How consequences facilitate emotional learning & well-being
While I constantly strive for peaceful parenting, it does not mean that there aren’t punishments or hard lessons to be learned. I feel like it is a dis-service to my children if they do not experience disappointment or if they do not realize that their choices directly dictate an outcome whether good or bad.
Part of raising children is preparing them for the world and life on their own by equipping them with the skills necessary to both succeed and cope with failures.
In the real world that I have experienced, it’s full of disappointment, consequences, getting told no, and doing things I would rather not. And that’s life. Therefore, equipping my child with the wherewithal to handle that is vital. So to help encourage my daughter’s independence and to foster her emotional intelligence as well, I want to parent her in a way that she knows she is loved and I believe in her, but that she also knows what it’s like to fail or to make the wrong decision.
My middle school History teacher and mentor had a poster in her room that read “failure is not fatal”. As a perfectionist, I remember thinking in 6th grade that she clearly did not know that to me it seemed so and that it felt like mistakes were killing me from the inside. And to be honest, I have never emotionally conquered the concept of failure; even small mess ups sometimes feel like the end of the world. And far too often I waver in my own decision making because I don’t like living with even the small consequences.
That trait is not something I want to pass on to my daughter.
I want her to feel like she can conquer the world because she is capable, I want her to be able to let the little things roll off her shoulder, and I want her to be confident in her decision making regardless of the outcome. And that’s a HUGE part of both helping her cope with consequences and fostering a firm and independent spirit in her.
Fostering Independence by Teaching Toddlers Consequences
The strong-will that she has comes to her naturally and therefore her desire for for independence can sometimes be a challenge. But letting her “yes” be her “yes” and her “no” be her “no” allows her to learn what it means to stand by her decision.
So when she very clearly and adamantly chose to go barefoot in 40 degree weather and it made her feet cold, she had to stand by that decision. We talked about why it was a bad choice and then I asked her if she wanted to go back in to get shoes and socks. Of course she did. So we quickly marched back inside to help her prepare herself for the chilly weather.
Options are a part of being independent and every toddler desires to be able to choose what they want. Therefore, my husband and I constantly will give her options. She can choose what she wants to eat, choose what she wants to wear, and choose what she wants to do.
However, we very clearly tell her, especially in disciplining moments, that she needs to “think about it and make the right decision.”
Related: See how giving toddler choices can help prevent tantrums.
Of course the “right decision” is not always the one she makes or she changes her mind and gets upset about it. Then we talk about how she should remember that for next time so she can make better decision.
Yesterday it was about not wearing shoes outside in the cold, today it was about food, and tomorrow it may be about taking a bath. They are small things in the grand picture of her life, but they are teaching her real skills about decision making and consequences.
They are little incidences that build big character.
So when she is faced with the really tough stuff as she gets older, she has already experienced both good and bad decision making. She knows she has to think it through and that she has to weigh consequences- both good and bad.
But why is teaching toddlers consequences important?
When she is older and she has to make hard decisions, I pray that she can make them confidently. I pray that she will not waver because she is afraid of consequences, but that she will have learned to make bold choices after careful thought. I pray that teaching her consequences now will better her in the future and enable her to feel more confident in who she is.
- When she experiences failure or disappointment, I hope she can handle it with stability and not feel like it’s the end of the world.
- When her friends are doing something that she feels is not right, my hope is that she will not blindly follow, but she will have the forethought to see what consequence may be ahead of her.
- When she encounters pre-marital sex, I pray that she will not feel pressured, but confident to stand by her decisions.
- When she has a big decision and makes it and then it doesn’t turn out as planned, I hope she has the emotional stamina to pull herself up and not feel defeated.
- When she is faced with defending what she believes and her faith, my desire for her is that she will not hesitate or be ashamed in any circumstance.
- When she experiences rejection, I pray that she knows that was not her choice and it will just inspire her to be even better and more confident.
Most importantly… when she gets older and experiences pains, heartaches, and consequences… and when she makes poor decisions… and when I am disappointed in any of the choices she has made… my prayer is that she knows I will be there for her, that I will talk her through it, and that I will stand beside her.
So today I may have had to coach her through eating a green bean because of a choice she made, but in the future I may have to help her through something much bigger and more important. In any incidence, despite any disappointment or frustration on my part, the message to my daughter is that actions have consequences, but I am always there and she is always loved and supported.
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Kara is an author and advocate for positive, grace-filled parenting. She is homeschooler to her 5 children living on a farm in New England. She believes in creative educational approaches to help kids dive deeper into a rich learning experience and has her degree in Secondary Education & Adolescent Childhood Development. She is passionate about connecting with and helping other parents on their journey to raise awesome kids!
Kim
Your post reminds me of a lecture I once went to. It was very inspiring and there was one thing I never forgot. The message of the lecture was: “Two times no equals yes”.
The man giving the lecture, a child psychologist, said that whenever your child wants to do/eat/wear/etc anything, ask yourself two questions:
1. Is it dangerous or harmful?
2. Will it be bothersome to others?
If you can answer both these questions with no, your answer to your child should be yes. No matter how crazy the request. Going out barefoot in the snow? Go gor it! Pouring the whole sugar bowl on your pancakes? Sure!
This way your child learns by trail and error some things aren’t really the smart thing to do.
Your post reminded me of this greatly. Amazing post!
Kara Carrero
Thank you so much for commenting – that is such awesome advice and sounds like it was a wonderful lecture. I think I am going to adopt those two questions. Though it’s so similar to what I was doing, it’s nice to have something concrete to fall back on like that.
Michaela
I come from a family where my Mother always gave me and my brother firm boundaries and today, being a Mom myself, I often see how beneficial it was for me. I quite often heard my Mom say “no” to me while not giving me a choice. Why should I let a kid pour a jar of honey over her pancakes? It will be bothersome to me for I will have to wake up in the middle of the night with my kid having an upset tummy. Moreover, it´s not clear whether or not she might make the same – in my opinion – bad choice again, as she will forget how it felt afterwards, eating something that sweet. The same with going out barefoot – it might be a good game for someone who has a lot of time, teaching kids that way, but I cannot imagine myself doing what my little one has chosen and then fixing her bad choice all day long. Also, going out barefoot incold is armful in my opinion, the kid may step on something or even catch cold.
I believe there are certain things kids should not decide. They might want to play all day and don´t see why they should have a bath so that they won´t make bedsheets messy or eat healthy food that will give them energy or sleep at certain times for example, but at the end of the day they would fall down exhausted, dirty and hungry and I don´t believe all kids would learn from their bad experiences and unerstand consequences from day to day. I know some friends´ kids who would especially make fun of doing the wrong choices and so making their mums tired from fixing them.
Kara Carrero
Like I mention in the post, we are the ones to give options and then she chooses. So we don’t give any options we aren’t comfortable with in the moment. So she has to choose between say carrots or green beans. Both are healthy, viable options, but she makes the choice. In the instance if the shoes, we were going to family’s house. Most times no shoes aren’t an option because it could be dangerous, but sheen it’s no big deal, we don’t sweat it. We also ask questions many times followed by “yes or no?”. Two distinct options that she can choose from in any given scenario and it always requires a response.
Jessica
My mother took this same approach with me… she explained years later that it was because she wanted me to be more independent and strong… and it has certainly worked. I am in a much better and more secure lifestyle than anyone I know, my age. I am confident, work very hard, think decisions through (maybe even too much), and have no problem admitting when I’ve made a poor decision, which my mom is always happy to point out stems from her teaching me decisions and consequences. My “example” I always remember the most is when I wanted to watch my first horror movie- she told me very simply “I don’t watch them. They scare me and give me nightmares. You will probably get nightmares too, but if you want to, go ahead” and I did. And I got nightmares. And she still let me into bed with her, and never said “I told you so”, but I knew it anyway, and took that lesson with me for nearly 20 years now. Now I have my own daughters and am already fighting the instinct to over-protect them instead of letting them learn consequences… but even with my mom gone now, I know what her advice would be, and it’s proving to hold true when I take it, so I will continue to do so. Best of luck with your daughter, you are doing a great thing for her <3
Kara Carrero
That is really wonderful that you know it has positively impacted your life so much and that you can trace it back to those experiences. Plus, what a great example with the scary movies! I think that would do it for me too. The latest example with our 27 month old is that she really wanted a habenero pepper because they were pretty. We told her it was hot. We said it was REALLY hot. But she screamed for it. So my husband cut it and gave her a teeny tiny piece without the seed… and she told us it was too hot and she didn’t want more. (She didn’t get really upset though because she does like and can handle really hot food). But she learned pretty food isn’t always food she wants 😉
Morgan
Thank you SO much, Kara , for your kind words of wisdom! As a (fairly new) mommy with a 15 month old, I cannot express how much I appreciate this post with my VERY independent little boy 🙂
Kendolyn Fisher
The ability to choose is good for everyone,and consequences, good or bad, come with each choice. The above article has good suggestions. Perhaps you could also touch on times when there would be no ‘choice’ allowed. Granted, that should be a given that there would be situations where there is no option of choice.
I believe there must also be firm ‘no’s’ with children. I remember my mother asking me if a child wanted to put her hand on the hot stove, what would I do. Being quite young, I said let the child put her hand on because that would teach her not to do it again.
It was kindly explained to me that harmful things need to be firmly stopped with no choice for the child – running into the street – etc, so the comment above: “is it harmful or dangerous” and “will it bother anyone” would be good suggestions to add to your article.
Allowing limited choices are fine and good for teaching independence. An actual no is also fine, especially for the safety of the child. Sometimes I think adults tend be oblivious to what is harmful because they are so used to it daily, and forget that we should not equate a child’s intellect with adult intellect.
As good parents, our job is to shield from harmful things – be it movies, language, danger or things they can’t understand at a tender age. Some things that go in the mind can never be taken out, whether child or adult. There are things in this technical age that children could not possibly understand on an adult level, and that is where good parenting must come before allowing a choice.
I am personally appalled at the things that parents allow children randomly to see in movies or TV because they, the parents, are enjoying it, not realizing that their little minds cannot comprehend the vast amount of violence and adult themes so thoughtlessly put into ‘entertainment’ by Hollywood.
A parents job is to teach and guide and give good choices. Good parenting also monitors and protects. If bad things don’t sound harmful to parents, then there may be a bigger problem.
Kara Carrero
Thanks for your input. This particular article was only about choices and how we can use them to teach both confidence and consequences. Giving our daughter two defined choices has helped her understand that there are boundaries and that making a poor choice is not the end of the world, but can be something she thinks about in the future to make a better choice. I have other articles about setting boundaries, disciplining, and more that show a more well-rounded view of our specific parenting choices.
Melinda
Excellent article. I keep my 2 yr old grand baby a lot, so I’m absorbing all the parenting stuff again. I’ve forgotten a lot!
Maureen Asquith
none of what you say is new to me, my children are all in their 30’s and I told them much the same as you are saying here. I gave them the responsibility for their own actions when they were very young . At first helping them make the right decision but remembering what their action meant to them. If they wanted to do something or were asked to take part in something by friends first would it be fun, second would it be a good thing or would it be stupid. Would it hurt them, would it hurt someone else, would it make them feel bad and are friends that like to make others feel bad the right people to follow. If the answer were to be no then go ahead and have fun. If the answer made them uncomfortable then it was alright to say no. If friends tried to force the issue walk away. They are teaching their friends what consequences are and you have the right to choose the least harmful path. All three still have their childhood friends and they trust them with their lives because they learnt to listen to each other. Yes some of their decisions were the wrong ones but they learnt that we can all make mistakes and they learnt how to make amends and accept sometimes you can’t that failure is a part of responsibility too. I’m proud of my children and their friends and their children are learning that life can be amazing and you don’t have to be a follower all the time, sometimes you can take the lead and make exciting good decisions.
Joan
I hope you parents of 2 year olds realize that 3 is so much worse. My son has 3 year old twins and is learning that Mom was right. 2 is easy. Trust me, I raised 4 kids with 2 and another 2 13 years later. They were like another generation, but still had to abide by the old rules. They were very well liked by adults, teachers and were always welcome in the homes of others. I can’t say the same about some I have had contact with lately. Kids need to be taught to respect all property, yours, theirs and everyone else’s. I heard a guest tell his kids to remember that old people lived here. Why should that matter? Boys will be boys is not an excuse to destroy property. My boys weren’t destructive. Just a bit of advice from a grandmother and great-grandmother.
Kara Carrero
My daughter is now 3.5 and I can very much say that 2 was much harder for us. Every child is just so different. In fact, my mother-in-law would tell you four was the hardest age for her to raise.