This is a touchy subject.
While it’s literally about touch, it’s also an open letter with my heart in my hands to try explain my childhood to all those who didn’t and still don’t understand.
It’s to defend myself as an adult and to not be ashamed that “I am who I am”, and I have learned to cope with my quirks as a part of my every day adult life. And it’s about how it has changed how I parent and view my child’s own behaviors and quirks.
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So what am I talking about?
Tactile Defensiveness.
It’s a long funny name that basically indicates that I have always reacted negatively to textures and other stimuli that would be considered normal to others. The biggest issue being that as a child, I threw tantrums over not wanting to wear buttons on my clothes.
To this day, I still don’t own clothes with those small plastic buttons and neither do my children (because I am the one dressing them).
Because of my experiences growing up, that I am passionate about decoding everyday kid behaviors because I firmly believe that there is a reason behind the reaction and that all children have some sort of sensory need whether it’s big or small.
How to Recognize Tactile Defensiveness in Children
Kids with tactile defensiveness have both behavioral and emotional responses that tend to be way out of proportion to the issue at hand.
They seem to react in pain to things that shouldn’t be painful. I have always described it as the nails-on-the-chalkboard feeling when I touch a button or when something tactile really bothers me. And it’s true.
It’s like I cannot focus on anything but that feeling and all I want is for it to go away.
Some other examples of how I have experienced tactile defensiveness in my own life:
- I quit golf as a kid because I didn’t like the wet grass on my feet every morning.
- Typically I do not like loose clothing, and prefer the snug feeling of clothes.
- My parents would have described me as a picky eater. While I am better about what I eat as an adult, I still do not like hard and soft foods mixed (for instance nuts in a cookie or hard onions in a soft enchilada).
- Apparently I complained as a child that the seams on my socks were wrong.
- Tags in my clothes were bothersome.
- Tickling is more painful than it is funny.
- I cannot handle and find ways to avoid light touch almost anywhere on my body.
- When one side of my body is massaged, I need to feel it equaled out on the other side.
- Sounds seem to take the form of textures and can consume my focus because it feels like it’s stuck on me.
As a child I was labeled as being picky, whiny, a complainer, easily upset, and hard to please. And while those words may have described me, a little understanding for how I felt to resolve the issues would have gone a long way in making me feel validated and not like a “freak show”.
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By the time I was in high school I had just accepted that I was strange and embraced things like not wearing buttons. In fact, at our church camp for senior skits when the boys satirized the girls, of course the joke on me was someone throwing a cup of buttons and me running away in fear. It was funny as an 18 year old, but probably would have emotionally set me off when I was younger.
How I cope with textures, touch, and sensory issues as an adult
Finding ways to cope has helped me a lot of the years. While I still tend to avoid certain things like buttons, I have found ways to help myself deal on a daily basis. This makes life a little bit easier for me and better for those around me. And it may sound completely silly, but when touch is a huge part of marriage, it’s a big deal to understand and work through these issues.
- I talk myself up. My husband laughs at me because if he suggests a place to eat and changes it fifteen minutes later to go somewhere else I get upset. This is because in my mind I have talked myself up about the food. I have gotten myself excited about what I am going to eat and I am preparing myself for the meal at hand.
- Set up situations for success. In college I had a job where I had to wear a polo shirt with buttons every day. It’s the only time in my entire life I have worn buttons, but I loved the job and it paid well. So instead of walking away from a job I loved, I coped and worked through it. This meant having someone else unbutton the first button (or do it myself in moments of extreme bravery) and then washing it and wearing it as is. I did not have to touch any buttons this way because it was ready to pull over my head without ever touching one.
- My husband knows that massages and intimacy means no soft touches. Firm back rubs are soothing, but just a soft hand touching my face feels like he left a trail of tingling sensation and that will be all I can focus on.While I know intimacy is not an issue for children, this is just a thought to know that maybe your child would prefer a big bear hug rather than a kiss (oh how I hate kissing anyone that’s not my child or husband. So if you know me and read this. Please stop kissing me and having your children kiss me).And conversely maybe a child doesn’t want to be touched at all. It’s all about respecting those boundaries. But, you have to talk through them to find what works and what doesn’t.
- I try to use my words. This phrase gets used a lot with my toddler in our home, but my husband also uses it with me. Sometimes it’s hard to formulate how I am feeling. It’s easy to revert to complaining (which is perceived as only whining) instead of simply saying “This really bothered me and I would prefer _______”. This shouldn’t be difficult as an adult, but sometimes it just is. So for kids who don’t know themselves, this is so important.
- Prepare the environment. Like setting up situations for success, the environment is important too. For instance, I know how I need my blankets situated in bed, so I have my own blanket that does not get shared with my husband so that I don’t disrupt him and I can still get sleep. I know when I can watch TV or a movie before bed and when I can’t. But with my child I don’t so I try to make sure that there is no radio or TV on in her presence before bed because I know it can stimulate her and keep her awake.
How My Parenting is Different because of Understanding Sensory Issues
It’s important to validate children in their concerns. My own need from childhood has given me a heart for understanding when my daughter freaks out in the bath tub because she sees an unknown object floating by or when we’re walking into a store and she has irrational fear of a tumbleweed-like thing. No one taught me to fear textures; likewise, I did not teach my daughter to fear situations and encounters with the unknown.
- Whining doesn’t bother me too much – I know that there is probably a legitimate reason why my toddler is upset and that she simply cannot express herself another way.
- I work to find solutions before getting upset – There are little things my daughter does that could really grind my gears down over time if I let them; however, I know there are sensations that she is both seeking and avoiding. This means that her need to break chalk all the time is just part of who she is because she wants them in a more manageable size. She also does not like crayons to have a wrapper on them. So instead of letting the trail of crayon wrappers bother me, I have a small bowl near the art easel to let her place her trash in when she’s done picking at the crayons.
- I watch for patterns – Even though I am with my daughter more during the day so I would notice more anyway, I find that knowing that I was a quirky kid myself could lend to patterns in my child’s behavior. So the other night when my husband was struggling to make our daughter happy (and she told me to go away), he had to discover on his own that she had to arrange her food in a certain order and eat them in a certain order to be happy.
Interested in finding other everyday sensory issues & fixes?
First, I encourage you to stop by the Decoding Everyday Kid Behaviors Landing Page for information and to read about sensory processing and the eight senses.
Check out Sensory Processing 101. It’s a valuable book for all parents. It includes activities and information alike.
Also, check out Project Sensory and the Sensory Fix Toolkit to find out more about how to support children with sensory issues of all kinds and even how to help schools incorporate important tools to help kids with all sorts of sensory needs.
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Kara is an author and advocate for positive, grace-filled parenting. She is homeschooler to her 5 children living on a farm in New England. She believes in creative educational approaches to help kids dive deeper into a rich learning experience and has her degree in Secondary Education & Adolescent Childhood Development. She is passionate about connecting with and helping other parents on their journey to raise awesome kids!
Laura
That’s really fascinating to me, thank you for being so open and honest. Now that I’m a parent, seeing various behaviors in my daughter, it’s shown me issues of my own. Because I see the pattern im hoping to address them together!
Kara Carrero
You are welcome Laura. As a teen, when I still felt many of the same things I did as a child, I knew there was something really at play. It wasn’t until I researched it as an adult and parent that I discovered “I am not just totally weird!” I am thankful for this because, like you, I am seeing a few patterns in my daughter (where she both is a seeker of tactile input and avoids some of the stimuli) and hope to kind of work through it all with her.
Rachael
I can so relate! in fact, the picture you chose of the child wearing those sock is giving me the creeps! My daughter has some pretty extreme tactile difficulties and it wasn’t until they started showing up in her that I understood mine. Suddenly, the fact that I wore my socks inside out and cut the corners of the seams off when I was a child, made total sense!
Kara Carrero
The messed up sock definitely bothers me – in fact My husband took this picture of me in socks and it just about killed me to have to wear it so wrong!
Isn’t it a strange blessing that the obscure patterns we see in our children help us understand ourselves so much better?
Julie
Kara, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate this post and your openness about your tactile sensitivities. My daughter is 8 and this is one of her biggest challenges. There simply isn’t enough written about the aspect of tactile sensitivity related to SPD.
Early this morning, I was researching for a post I’m writing about this very issue regarding my daughter. I found very little. A couple of hours later, in my Facebook feed, I saw a link to your post. Just what I needed to read! I’ll be linking to this post in my upcoming post.
I’m going to guess that this post might be one that wasn’t so easy to hit “publish” on without re-reading and re-thinking. That’s how personal posts are for me, so I want to thank you for your bravery and openness. Know that you are making a difference for others today.
Renae
Great post! My husband has autism, ADHD & an anxiety disorder. Three out of four of my children also have autism. I love how you described sensitivities to tactile input as an adult and child. I can’t wait to share with my readers!
Theres Just One Mommy
The more I read about sensory issues in trying to understand my son, the more I can see some of it in myself. The touching especially! I hate soft touches, drives me absolutely bonkers! I have worked really hard to not flinch every time my daughter touches me gently.
Wanda
Reading this was like reading something I would have written about myself, or my kids. I will be sharing this post!
Kara Carrero
Isn’t it funny how people think we are weird, but then we find others that are just like us? 😉 Thanks for sharing!
Marisol
Hello Kara:
I have twin 5 year-old girls and I first noticed their tactile issues when they were 3 1/2. At first I thought it was behavior issues or a phase but after months of fights and punishing them for not wanting to dress properly, I realized this needed to be handled differently.
They are in school now and are often very late because there are some days they just can’t bare wearing anything.
Therapy is too expensive and therefore we just get tips on line on how to help them.
I just hope as they get older they too we I’ll be able to talk themselves thru the anxiety they get when it’s time to get dressed.
Thanks for your post,
Kara Carrero
You are so welcome. I hope that it was truly of help to you and your girls. I never got therapy or any help because no one every thought anything of it in my family other than I was whiny/weird/picky. However, I have a very vivid memory from my childhood where I was in a fight with my mom about wearing a pair of pants to school. I was either 3 or 4 years old and I just remember having a panic attack and crying uncontrollably because my mom had put a pair of pants on me that had a button on them. While I didn’t have to touch it to get them on, I knew I would have to in the day to use the bathroom and I just couldn’t cope. So I applaud you for recognizing it in your girls and working through it with them even if there are hard days 🙂 Best wishes to you!
Anonomous
This is SO hard for me to understand! I’m not sensitive at all almost! I can eat anything, even half bad food & I won’t get sick. I’m not experiencing over stimuli from anything that I know of. I have a hard shell I guess you could say.. It’s so hard to understand this when you haven’t experienced it!
My husband..? That’s another story! He has hyper hydrosis, making his hands & feet drip water! It doesn’t smell so I can’t really call it sweat. He doesn’t like soft touch so I find it hard to show my feelings because I cant be tender while “being rough” and I don’t really like his version of tender touch cuz it hurts like hell lol.. Seriously! Because he doesn’t like soft touch, he can’t touch softly either and to me the rough hard massaging is like…you might as well pinch my arm and call it what it is because that’s not a tender caressing touch to me lol..
He can’t stand fake material & he can always tell if a piece of fabric is synthetic or natural! He says tickling hurts (how on earth can it hurt when it tickles..?!), he’s stomach is sensitive and a whole bunch of other stuff..
It makes life difficult in so many ways and I’ve felt for the longest time that he didn’t have the same feelings for me as I do for him.
And yes I have felt that he was being difficult, whiny, and just complained for no reason!
Because I don’t understand! And it makes me really sad! I feel like I’m a faliour because I can’t give what he needs not get what I need…ever!
Thank you for your openness. At least you can put words to what’s happening.
He can’t…
I still don’t fully understand but at least I’m getting closer..
I know this is about kids going through it but those kids are going to grow up one day. I’m glad you are taking the steps to get more awareness on this issue.
Thank you..
(Sorry for the anonymous, but I had to for the sake of my husbands privacy)
Kara Carrero
I am so glad that this helped you! It is definitely something I have been made fun of and dealt with my whole life. My family never understood me and always wrote me off as being whiny, but I always knew that I wasn’t crazy as a kid. Now I definitely have developed some of my own ways to work through things that really bother me and have been able to stand up for myself more too. And just in writing this, my husband gained so much more insight as to the WHY I didn’t like things instead of just knowing it was part of who I was and “deal with it” mentality.
Shelby
you described me to a t. I grew up with SPD and still struggle very much with it. It’s definitely not a fun time. But it’s always too to find others like you!
Kara Carrero
I enjoy finding others with similar quirks. It’s a fun reminder that we’re not alone <3 And it makes us unique!
Evie
Great article! I am a psychologist and am currently working with teachers in my large secondary school to set up a chill-out space to help soothe, calm, recharge, and somewhat stimulate our teenage students who have emotional or sensory sensitivities during the day. Whilst there are lots of sensory items and furniture for kids with sensory processing needs, do you have any suggestions about what we DEFINITELY should purchase for our space? We have hammock chair, tub chairs with blankets, sand, a range of music, fish tank, bean bags, adult colouring books, lego, stress balls, heat packs…..what are we missing?
Kara Carrero
Thanks so much. Do you have weighted blankets? I like the full-body feeling of security!
Linda
Hint about sock seams. The Kohl’s store has always had the brand Trimfit socks for girls. And they didn’t have any seams at the toe! I hope they aren’t phasing this out, because some of that brand now have seams. I don’t know what we will do when she outgrows the children’s sizes. Wearing them inside out is just as bad for her, even though it always worked for me. It wasn’t the lump, it was the seam rubbing the top of my toes. So inside out worked for me. One thing that helps is to use a hot iron, as hot as the fabric will tolerate, and iron the toe seam as flat as possible. Iron it on a towel on the kitchen counter instead of the ironing board. Press hard. It will flatten that seam pretty well.
Kara Carrero
Thanks, that’s great to know!
Alla
I just found this article. My 9-year-old daughter has tactile defensiveness – hates zippers, seams on clothing, tags. Can’t stand haircuts. (Luckily she’s a girl, so long hair is ok.) It helps to see that we’re not alone. However, I’m not sure what to do. She’ll wear the same 3 shirts over and over again b/c she doesn’t want to wear anything else. (I offer countless options of clothing, everything soft, no designs, etc.)
Heather
A fabulous read for a mum with a child who also hates buttons! He has to wear a shirt with buttons every day for school and I am so proud of him because I know the anxiety it causes him and see him do it anyway. When he was younger he wouldn’t look at someone wearing buttons, wouldn’t come near me if I was wearing buttons and wouldn’t play with other children wearing buttons, so he has come such a long way. He still has to change out of his buttoned shirt immediately after school and doesn’t put on his shirt until we leave but I have such a huge respect for his daily battle and how he soldiers on in a world that doesn’t even begin to understand or have any sympathy for what a struggle it is for him each and every day. Thank you for your story it made me laugh and cry and reminded me how strong my little battler is each and every day.
Tracey
Kara, thank you. Seriously, thank you. I came across your article while searching for a not-too-tacky-looking product to cover one of the leather recliners my husband really wanted to replace our couch. As I read this article I just kept saying “wow,” “yes,” “me too!” ate. As a child I was considered difficult and whiny, even defiant at times. Leather, polyester, wool, nylon, silk… There are just so many fabrics and textures I can not tolerate. As a child I was considered difficult and whiny. I cringe at the thought of kissing anyone but my husband and my brother. I used to freak out when my grandmother wanted me to bring her pack of cigarettes to her because the feel of the cellophane they were wrapped in disgusted me. I could keep going, but I won’t. I know someone else gets it. And that itself is a monumental comfort. Thank you
Kara Carrero
I am so glad that it could help make you feel normal. I know that since I wrote this, so many people have reached out and had similar feelings. It’s great to know that we’re not alone in what others think is strange and quirky!!
Nicole
Thank you!!! Can you please write a book!!!!
Carly
Oh my goodness!!! That is me! I’ve always hated buttons. When I saw the photo of the buttons I gave an involuntary shudder before I even saw the caption below it.
Thank you so much for writing about it. Makes me feel more normal that my children don’t own anything with buttons on it. Also has me thinking about my son’s dislike of wool… I need to be a bit considerate I think.
Jordan
Finding this article was so relieving to me. As someone who’s 21 now and tactile defensive, I’m super happy to see kids who are getting their individual needs met from understanding parents. I didn’t get that as a kid. I received it a little bit here and there. My parents knew I was sensitive they just didn’t understand how extreme it was and how developmentally important is was. I Don’t blame them of course. They didn’t know. I just had to figure things out for myself. I don’t think about it very much only when I Google it occasionally just feel a little understanding of myself like when I found this article. But it still affect me everyday I’ve just grown to live with it. So thanks for writing this article it’s nice to see someone who understands me. Even if our sensory defenses are different (I hate tight clothes) I still know you get it.
Sarmad
Excellent!
Katrina Schmidt
This was so helpful and encouraging to read. I have tactile touch and it seemed like I was the only one. I’m 20 now but when I was 18 I finally learned the name of this. I fought through it my whole life and I’m still fighting. I’ve learned a few things myself and I’m glad I found new ways to cope by reading this and I wish you the best. I’m glad there’s others who relate and I’m not alone. the best way to help is to get informed, and this article makes others feel better. <3
Gary Terry
As a child i was diagnosed tactile defensive and couldn’t stand tags in my shirts or sand on my skin or being hugged or touched to much i had to get in a pool of beans and shaving cream to help with being touched they said and if my toe or fingernails are to short i cant stand the way socks feel still as a adult age 40 and hated crowds and packed stores but concerts were and still are ok but i feel as a adult a need to feel close n kiss and show affection more then when i was a child is that because of lack of touching as a child and not being able to stand it and cringe as a child and im called needy for this as a adult trying to find clarity can u help please im so curious why as a adult i feel a need for more affection and am i just needy now hope to hear a reply
Beverley
oh my goodness, this is totally me, I have never had anyone explain it so perfectly, thank you so much for sharing this, now I understand a lot more about myself and my son
Lora
I haven’t been diagnosed, but I have so many of these ‘symptoms’ and have since I was little. I thought everyone felt super-sensitive with their socks, the tags in their shirts, the soft touch and just the feeling of clothes in general. My husband has made me aware of the touch sensitivity, but this helps me see so much more. I think I’ll research a little more and speak to my GP. Thank you for opening my eyes!
Ali
I broke up with my boyfriend 4 times because I didn’t understand why he was so darn picky. We were such good friends, loved each other and we kept getting back together! I finally realized that he had some type of tactile issue even he was not aware of! Understanding and respecting his need to have everything a certain softness or a particular way made all the difference. I will admit occasionally I have to exhibit more patience than I actually have! We’ve now been married for 2 years and I couldn’t be anymore grateful I took the time to understand. Yes, there are times life makes him push through his uncomfortableness (like with his job) but when we’re together I can easily help him navigate through the “rough” spots! Thanks for your article and helping us to better love and support those around us!