I always wanted to stay home with my kids.
I wanted to be there for every field trip and every milestone.
This was a fact that my (not then) husband knew from the day we met, literally. It was an emotional decision then when the time came to quit teaching and walk away from being a “mom” to 125 sixteen-year-olds, to bring an entire new life in the world and dedicate myself to her.
But two years later and I found that being a stay at home mom was not rewarding like I thought. It’s not full of rainbows, sunshine, and un-ending laughter.
Being a stay at home mom is hard. Being a work at home mom is hard. Being a mom is hard.
It takes quite a mindset shift to realize that being a stay at home mom is not going to be idealistic and that it’s not like working… at all. Even working from 7am-5pm each day only to come home to do more work… there is just no comparison to a 24/7 job that doesn’t pay, that many times goes unrewarded and unappreciated, and that sees no change up during the day.
7 Reasons Being a Stay at Home Mom is not Rewarding
1. Common Sense does not exist in the world of parenting.
So in the workplace, common sense is a staple for a functioning person. We make decisions based off of the ordinary, the expected, and the rational. It’s a beautiful world where everything is organized and in its place in the universe and no one is sitting there scratching their head in complete confusion.
At home with babies and toddlers, the most explainable action is the one that solves the problem. My toddler begs for an orange and then screams that I gave her an orange. She giggles while walking towards the dog with a cracker, and then yells “NO, MINE!” when he gets close to her. Tears of anguish are just a few seconds after those squeals of joy. It’s an endless roller coaster of emotions and fires to be smothered.
…And then she comes running to me for comfort when I am the one at fault for hurting her feelings. Or she immediately stops crying the moment she sees me walk around the corner and toddles as fast as she can with the biggest smile to be in your arms.
2. There is a Complete Lack of Feedback.
When working, there were evaluations, meetings, and expectations of those above you that you must follow. They tell you what you are doing is right and what you are doing is wrong. There is direction and a clear cut path and a certain way things should be done.
The Stay at Home Mom has no guide book.
No child is the same and not every parenting technique is universal. Even your child leaves you clueless and gives you no direction. Days of endless screaming, no one to listen to your pains and fears, and no one who understands the exact moment you are experiencing.
…And then at the end of the day your baby hugs you and needs you to fall asleep and you know that what you have done is good enough.
3. Substitutes and Sick Days are non-existent
There were days that going to work was just not an option.
Some days I was so sick I couldn’t see straight and some days I was so emotionally exhausted that talking to even one person would have probably pushed me over the crazy cliff.
The crazy cliff is an every day experience being Stay at Home Mom.
I can’t get away from it.
I can’t eat by myself.
I can’t take a shower without the closest toilet being flushed 200+ times before I am done.
I can’t make sense of my life or my toddler and all I want to do is crawl in a hole.
…And then I sit down on the couch just to get away from it all and my toddler comes up, crawls in my lap, and say “OK?” And my heart completely melts.
4. Your toddler doesn’t seem to develop in a linear fashion and there is lots of regression.
Progress. Everyone wants it in any situation they face. For me, it meant teaching through world history. I went in order, my students learned it and we built on what we knew and kept trucking on. If they had a question, we answered it and kept going.
Babies and toddlers are going through a lot. They develop and then they regress. As their brain develops, their motor skills seem to regress a bit. As they get stronger and more coordinated, they lose their stinking minds. You work with them and teach them and get excited to know that a cow goes “moo” and that a tree has leaves. They master it and then a week later they think the sidewalk is a tree. ((Slams head on desk)). Then they even pick up on a word or behavior that you NEVER ever wanted to see in your child and you cringe because “how in the world are you going to fix this?!”. And it’s all just mind games.
… and then they walk up to you, speaking in sentences saying (appropriate) words you didn’t know they even knew telling you that they’re going to tickle your armpit!
5. The days when no toy or activity in the world could ever satisfy your child.
This goes with common sense. In the workplace, you have the confidence to know that something is going to work and it almost always does even if in a small capacity. There are days with big projects, promotions, and confidence boosters.
You think you have those as a mom and then that pinterest idea is a total fail. Every toy in the house is a complete dud and might as well never have been invented. Even the last ditch effort to distract them with the TV is a complete failure.
…And then your toddler reminds you that all they want is you. They want to dance in your arms and giggle under your tickles and explore the world with you and not just beside you.
6. The mom seems to be the only one the child is a behavior problem for or doesn’t listen to.
If you hold a role of importance in the workplace, there is a certain level of respect. People do what you ask and there is an expectation of how the hierarchy goes.
With babies and toddlers, it’s like the world is coming to an end with crying fits with you and those few hours they’re with a friend while you go on a date, they become a perfect angel and turn you into a liar for saying anything otherwise. They readily listen to the requests of other adults, but the moment you ask for a kiss or a favor, and they’re like “peace out, mom”.
… And then you peek around the corner after not hearing your toddler for a little bit and you see her picking up her toys, organizing her books, and putting everything away. And the whole time she has her babies watching so they know how to do it too.
7. Being a Stay at Home Mom means constantly being on the verge of burn out.
Having a career for me was very rewarding. I sometimes felt overwhelmed, but never burnt out. I found joy in helping the student that every other teacher had given up on and found it rewarding to see a student work as hard as they possibly could to get a D and feel really good about not failing.
Today I felt heart palpitations from the blood-curdling scream of my toddler no less than 7 times in 10 minutes. Why you ask? Because the cart she was pushing was stuck or she had picked it up and it was heavy. In those moments I struggle to not get upset and totally lose it on my toddler who doesn’t understand that if it’s heavy, put it down or if it doesn’t keep moving, go around. I feel burnt out when I think I have given her everything she has requested for lunch and she’s still upset, and it’s because I didn’t realize she didn’t want to sit at her mini-table, but wanted to be in her high chair.
My husband doesn’t seem to understand what it means to do the same thing 24 hours a day. Working moms minimize the job I do at home because I don’t have a job outside the home. Family and friends don’t understand what it means for us to be a one car family only for me to be held hostage inside of this loony bin for 2 years straight.
There are high expectations of being a Stay at Home mom. Those expectations are self inflicted by an unrealistic social media landscape, by skewed views of friends and other families, and by the dreams and idealized life I envision for myself, my children, and my marriage. Expectations are high because there’s now a single bread-winner in the family – one that typically expects chores to be done regardless of how crazy the toddler was that day. Expectations are high because family and friends thinks I can talk on the phone at any given moment because I don’t work or have a car. Expectations are high because I expect the most from myself and I am my own biggest critic.
… And then I realized how blessed I am to raise my children. How I would never want anyone else to have to put up with their crazy days when they lose their minds. And I’m so blessed to have the stories to tell them from the mundane to the extraordinary. I am so blessed because I have learned so much as a single car family and being a stay at home mom has forced my creativity. It forced my complacency. It forced my love of family. I realized that if it weren’t for the days of almost losing it, I would never invest time in myself. The burn out makes the sweet days that much sweeter.
And then I understand that being a stay at home mom is more rewarding than I ever realized.
It just takes more sacrifice than I realized.
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Kara is an author and advocate for positive, grace-filled parenting. She is homeschooler to her 5 children living on a farm in New England. She believes in creative educational approaches to help kids dive deeper into a rich learning experience and has her degree in Secondary Education & Adolescent Childhood Development. She is passionate about connecting with and helping other parents on their journey to raise awesome kids!
Penny
You nailed it with #2: “THERE IS A COMPLETE LACK OF FEEDBACK”
I am on a modified teaching schedule and this summer with my second son a 2YO I realized he really missed the schedule the wonderful people who teach him during the school days maintain for him and I realized what is optimal for my family is for me to be is a work-outside-the-home mom; because I also need structured feedback.
Great post!
Kara Carrero
Thanks Penny! It’s great that you have a true understanding of works best for your family. I know a lot of moms choose to go back to work after 2-4 years because they feel like they are taking their time with kids for granted and their kids thrive in a different environment than the home. I REALLY struggle with being a SAHM sometimes and miss my classroom, but blogging and writing has given me another intellectual out. Though I wish I could get better feedback and the other 6 issues I have with being a stay at home mom, I definitely am trying to focus on the positive of why those things don’t happen in the home with young kids.
Ana
This post is 100% accurate… all the things you are going through are so familiar… and I cant forget a sentence that my friend said (he is a father and his wife a SAHM): I don’t care, until the house is tidy and the dinner cooked, I don’t care if she (the wife) stays at home… like staying at home was so much easier than going to work…
people who actually don’t stay at home and take care of a toddler or a baby (or both) don’t know how hard it really is…
Just found your blog, will read it more 🙂
Excuse my English I am not a native speaker!
Best of luck,
Ana
Kara Carrero
I think the journey of a mom is very similar despite parenting styles and that’s so important for all of us to acknowledge. It’s so hard raising these little humans and we definitely need help and the ability to vent sometimes! It was my heart’s cry one day to really express how difficult being a Stay at Home Mom is, but how the craziness can be totally worth it if we put it in perspective.
I really appreciate your comment and hope you find some peace along your mom-path too! Because since it’s not said enough “You’re doing a great job!” 🙂
Ana
Absolutely stunning post! So true and beautifully written.
Kara Carrero
Thank you Ana!
Kim
I struggled with being a SAHM, too. After the long hours of working with adults, teaching that kept me on my feet for 12 hours a day, the endless work, staying at home without the structure, feedback and general monetary rewards to feel good about the work I accomplished every day, living in a vaccuum was the hardest thing I had to do.
I love how you described the difficulties of those areas that made like seem craziest, like feedback, structure and rewards the most meaningful. I wish I had read this back when my babies were little. Now they are 11 and 13 and still I remember feeling so alone.
Thank goodness things continue to change, even as they remain the same for baby number 2.
I am grateful these beings have invaded my life, but nothing prepared me mentally or emotionally for what would follow and I am lucky to be amonst the sane.
Kara Carrero
I don’t think enough people talk about how what should come most naturally (being a mom) typically is more difficult than the careers we worked so hard for. Who would have thought it would be such mind games all the time?!
Invade is such a perfect word for having kids 😉 Glad you made it through the emotional roller coasters even without the preparation!
Janice
Kara, your words speak my world for the last 7.5yrs. Now with 3 kids 7yrs, 4yrs and 2yrs. Love them and my husband to bits. Janice
Kara Carrero
I think it’s beautiful that motherhood has the same language despite the choices we make – thanks for commenting and sharing how much it resonated with you!
Jodie @ Growing Book by Book
Well said and so true! Thanks so much for sharing!
Kara Carrero
Thank you Jodie. It’s the biggest struggle I am having right now and know I needed to share it both for my sanity and because I hoped it would provide comfort to others in a similar situation as well.
Meg
Yep. 3 boys under 4years. Just started studying part time so I can feel like I’m accomplishing something. My life is crazy but seeing my boys as a blessing, and my role in raising them as a blessing could make the difference between surviving and enjoying. Thanks for your words 🙂
Kara Carrero
You are so very welcome. Your words about making the difference between surviving and enjoying really struck me. I think that is one I will remember on the hard days!
Denice
I feel so sorry for the person who wrote this. I have lived in both worlds and had many friends from life long stay at home moms to high position executives that served as my mentors and friends as a stay at home mom. It was the most rewarding and joyful time in my life that I would give anything to experience all over again. Some people are just not cut out to be full time parents and need to get away from their precious children for validation. NOTHING is as rewarding to me to assist and witness my children grow into successful adults.
Kara Carrero
I am not sure if you read the post, but you should definitely not feel sorry for me… at all. The post is about how being a stay at home mom is difficult, but so rewarding and such a blessing and that I would not give it up for the world.
Erika
Did you even make it past the second paragraph before you hurriedly scrolled down to comment this self-congratulatory nonsense?
Victoria
LOVE it! The most rewarding and also one of the hardest jobs ever. I especially loved how you pointed out being on the verge of a burn out all the time, I wouldn’t have it any other way but it is so much harder than our society chooses to believe!
Kara Carrero
Thank you 🙂 It is most definitely not a struggle that our society tends to talk about openly and definitely one that many moms seem to forget about. I think that too many times we burn out through the toddler years trying to do it all and then everything gets better as they get older and then we forget to encourage young moms.
Danielle
You forgot one…More guilt! As a teacher, I never felt guilty that we didn’t get to a certain lesson in the school year. If I made a mistake, it wasn’t a big deal. People make mistakes and then you move on.
As a mom, it feels like any fault in my child is a glaring oversight in me as a parent. “You need to teach your child manners.” “Your child STILL can’t read?” “You’re the parent, do something about this child throwing a fit in the store.”
But, then I remember that no one is going to love them more than I do. Although I will make many mistakes, because I love them, I will keep trying.
It is the hardest and MOST IMPORTANT job in the world!
Kara Carrero
Oh my goodness, “because I love them , I will keep trying”. That is it. Sometimes there really is guilt and there is heartache in just wanting to be everything to them when you can hardly get your own teeth brushed! Thank you so much for articulating that.
cindy
I am also a mom who chose to stay at home. I did this in the reverse order as you though. I stayed home and unexpectedly ended up homeschooling my children. Then I began (over) my university degree the same year my oldest went off to university and now I am a full time teacher.
I could not totally agree more on all 7 points. It is both the least and most rewarding job possible. I was secretly jealous of my friends who went off to work and had routine and a clean house at dinnertime. Oh, and two incomes. Now that I have these things, I can safely say that I very much miss giggles, tickling, unexpected delight, and experiencing the wonder of the world through the eyes of my different children. I am happy to be able to afford to send flowers to my friends but miss the creativity that was required to find a cheering up gift when there was no money. I sometimes just disconnected the phone so I could have quiet time during naps. I wanted to throw things at my husband when he came home and though he was the most tired because he had ‘worked’ all day. As soon as I started teaching full time he started to do housework for the first time. It is very difficult to express how exhausting a day at home can be to someone who has not had multiple chances to experience it. Now that we have adult children and people wax on about how well they are doing, NOW he is all… It was all her hard work and hours and hours of effort. I can remember explaining to a friend with no children who had been given the day off work because an emergency even had kept him up for an hour at night.. That I had not slept through the night, straight through, in three years. He was speechless… Wow, so do you just go through the day like a zombie then??
So, I would agree with you entirely. And having gone through teen years I would say, with the kindest and most sincere heart, that you will never, never regret choosing to stay home and that my teens needed me home way, way more than I ever could have thought possible. I did not see that coming.
You are making an awesome choice and your children will, one day, rise up and call you blessed.
I expect you are the bravest mom I know for stating so clearly what we seem to have a difficult time both owning and articulating.
So, be awesomely in love with being a stay at home mom and make time to laugh about the chaos.
Kara Carrero
I have read your comment over and over. Your words strike me and I truly get goosebumps as I hear your words about working through those struggles and seeing even more blessings in the long run.
I think I will probably continue to come back to your comment many times on hard days to remind myself that I am making a difference and that I will miss even the craziness once it subsides.
Nilda
I too read your comment multiple times, thank you it is very encouraging!
Jennifer
I think because I’m coming from being a working outside the home mom to a work from home mom, I feel like the burnout is less and I have more patience. Maybe its because I have less guilt from working, I’m not trying to achieve in as many different fields at the same time, or because things are more cyclical and feed into each other.
That last paragraph was spot-on; I’m not worried about how someone else is reacting to my child, I know how I’m nurturing at home and I’m the person most capable of giving her what she needs.
Kara Carrero
That is definitely an interesting perspective Jennifer! I know that my husband’s father left his job as the VP of contracting for a major company when they became teens. Everything he had worked for and just walked away for family. And to see how he so loved family, I can only imagine that he was probably in similar shoes. More patience, more appreciation, and less frustration.
I remember as a kid having more issues with teachers and caregivers than other kids and I think that haunts me in a way. I definitely know that even on my hard days, like you say, I am giving her what she needs and I am still more patient with her than someone that doesn’t understand where she is coming from at all.
Kara Carrero
That is definitely an interesting perspective Jennifer! I know that my husband’s father left his job as the VP of contracting for a major company when they became teens. Everything he had worked for and just walked away for family. And to see how he so loved family, I can only imagine that he was probably in similar shoes. More patience, more appreciation, and less frustration.
I remember as a kid having more issues with teachers and caregivers than other kids and I think that haunts me in a way. I definitely know that even on my hard days, like you say, I am giving her what she needs and I am still more patient with her than someone that doesn’t understand where she is coming from at all.
Laura
I’ve been a stay at home mom for 13 years now my kids are 13 and 9 and 3. Soon my youngest will start 4K and I wouldn’t trade the last 13 years for any job. Now my biggest problem is I don’t know what im going to do when they are all in school. Its a very bizarre feeling like now what?
Kara Carrero
I definitely LOVE staying at home. Such a different experience than I had planned, but so rewarding in the end.
Melissa French, The More With Less Mom
The lack of common sense. It’s killing me. What do these maniacs think they’re doing?! Even the teens, you would think it’s just the little ones, but no…
Breanne Thomasian
Something about this touched my heart. I recently married a childhood friend with a daughter. He has full custody so she is my daughter now too and i have become a stay at home mom after graduating college and working with children of server disabilities i thought i could handle anything. This is by far the hardest job and not as rewarding as one would think and i always feel guilty by being on the edge of burnout. Than you this honest depiction of my life!
Kara Carrero
Oh Breanne, thank you for your comment! It IS a really hard job and nothing prepares you for the burnout feeling. There are so many days when I just feel like absolutely giving up, but those are always the days when my daughter seems to do the one thing that rattles my emotions to the core and make me melt with love for her. I hope you can find joy in the hard days, even if they outnumber the good! <3 Hugs to you.
Dani
Thank you so much for writing this, you perfectly describes my life for the last two years (tears of joy and sorrow)
Kara Carrero
It definitely a roller coaster of emotions! I hope you have more highs than lows 🙂
Emma
This post perfectly describes the roller coaster of feelings of a stay-at-home mom. I love being there for the little every day moments, but it’s also the most frustrating and overwhelming time of my life. Like you said, it’s more rewarding than you can imagine, but also required more sacrifices than you could have ever expected!
Kay Wapman
I have three children, now 20, 16, and 14. I well remember the days when they were very young and things seemed so hard and I often felt burnt out as you describe. Now that my children are older and I am seeing the fruits of my labor, it is an awesome feeling! To see them blossoming into mature people, being respectful, hard working, kind, responsible, and fun human beings has been so very rewarding. I am so glad I had the privilege of raising them, it was all worthwhile, truly the best thing I have done in my life thus far!!! All you moms with young children, you are doing such an important job! Hang in there!
Dani
I couldn’t love this more!
Jeremy Kennedy
I am a stay at home father with a wife who is also a stay at home parent on disability for a brain tumor she had removed 2 years ago. As I am writing this the tears are coming down my face. Even having two parents at home 24-7 the house is still a looney bin. I am on the verge of losing it every five minutes. The challenges you have described are so dead on it is almost hilarious. I go for walks every single night, with no emotional relief.
I agree this is the most rewarding job in the world. I do my best to stay positive. I have three boys all age 3 and under. Thank you for the post. You are not alone and always remember there are others like you out there willingly taking up this task to love and care with all our strength. Fantastic article. Blessings on you today.
Chelsea Gomez
I am sitting on my couch in tears because how ACCURATE this post is! I too am a stay at home mom of now 3 years of a single income, single car family, expecting our second child the end of August. Your post is just so dead on I can’t even believe it.. Especially #7 because today is my DAY! My toddler just hasn’t been easy today and my emotions have just been on a roller coaster. I couldn’t have explained it or even put it into words the way you did. Just tears of emotions of frustration and guilt! Being a stay at home mom is definitely draining, but I wouldn’t change it for the world! Thank for this.
Thena
Thank you, Chelsea. Being a parent isn’t always the easiest, but it truly is the best!
Emily
I have been a stay-at-home or home daycare mom for around 8 years now. It’s hard and we just started online school because of bullying of my gifted child, so I don’t even get a break from them to go to school. We moved a two day drive from all family and my husband works sales…if you know what this means I’m sorry if not you’re blessed. I literally cried all night for three days straight last week. Reading the older kid mom’s comments I completely understand how the challenges of developing personalities is almost worse than the wee ones zero feedback.
It is such a hard job and those who don’t understand that keeping one or more (3 for me 4, 7, 9-boys) fed, clean, safe, active, happy, inline, and somehow cook, clean, shop (nightmare), care for pets, yard work, budget, plan, and everything else is hard, are lucky they have such easy lives. All of you are so strong!! I have a feeling you all will agree that daily it’s easy to lose sight of the benefits or rewards of raising our kids the old fashioned, nurturing way but looking back and pushing them through difficulties is worth it. SAHM or SAHD is a long term reward, like hey we got a living thing to independence!! Short term the reward is if you have sanity by the end of the day.
Diane Price
Why is this all true? It’s like we’re living the same life LOL. Being a stay at home mom is definitely not easy but I try to make the most of it, knowing how fast kids grow. Thanks for writing about this!