Why we gave up physically punishing our children
Spanking. The one word probably elicits a lot of emotions for many. Whether you are an advocate or against the idea, it was something I didn’t think much about. I was spanked as a child and I had seen spanking within my family. And though I have been one to do as much peaceful parenting as I could, I stood on the fence trying to decide if we should spank our kids. We’re in the older toddler days of pushing limits, whining, and willful disobedience at times. And the day came when my husband and I were done. We had had enough. So we tried the idea of spanking and continued to entertain the idea as something we “might do” for about a month. And in the end? We gave up on physically punishing our children.
Let’s start off by saying that my daughter has probably been spanked around or less than 5 times in her life. And when I say spank, I mean she got a pat on the bottom with the same force as we would do if she was play and giggling. Just different feelings and words were attached in the situation. Again, we have always resorted to using our words, explaining consequences, and tried to not even use punishment when possible to help guide her and raise her in acceptable and appropriate behavior. However, at the crossroads of frustrated parent and defiant toddler, we tried it. Something had to give and nothing was working.
Did it work? Yes.
It scared her. She stopped. She began to even fear the words that would come out of her father’s mouth when he said “Do I need to spank you?”. Wide eyes, tears, and fear were the emotions every time.
So wait. We were giving up rational conversation and constructive discipline for fear-based parenting and a child that was afraid of us if she did something even remotely wrong? That didn’t seem right. Even if it what we were doing wasn’t working in the moment or in those days, it had worked. And even if it would never work again, this new option didn’t seem to foster the relationship with our child that we wanted. Even from the very first time it happened, my gut said it wasn’t right. And really, when we are at our wits end, emotions are higher than they should be for any physical contact with children.
And then last night happened.
Even after at least a week had gone by since I had really decided that spanking was “not my thing”, my daughter was standing in the bathroom with me. After using the bathroom, she turned around to flush the toilet. Much to her dismay I had already done it. In a moment of frustration, she lashed out, screamed, and hit me across the leg as hard as she could.
Whoa. No. Not ok.
I was livid. I was horrified. And I was so taken aback. Hitting is not ok. Lashing out and slapping is not a healthy way to demonstrate how we feel. And I I stood there trying to tell this to my daughter, I realized what had happened. We had been telling her when behavior was unacceptable and at times, she even got an accompanying gentle spank. And in this moment she deemed my behavior unacceptable, so she screamed at me “No! You’re not supposed to flush the toilet. I am!” And she hit me.
As parents, we discussed the situation. And as we stood there holding her, talking to her, and explaining her own emotions to her two year old self, my husband quietly said ” I don’t think spanking is something we should be doing or threatening anymore.”
And while frustrations as parents are not going to subside any time soon, spanking got us nowhere. She didn’t listen to us or behave any better, she only modeled exactly what we were doing. So we quickly returned to our normal of modeling appropriate behavior, talking through consequences, and leaving fear based parenting behind us.
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Kara is an author and advocate for positive, grace-filled parenting. She is homeschooler to her 6 children living on a farm in New England. She believes in creative educational approaches to help kids dive deeper into a rich learning experience and has her degree in Secondary Education & Adolescent Childhood Development. She is passionate about connecting with and helping other parents on their journey to raise awesome kids!
Good for you!! I completely agree. This is one area in which I’m on the “wrong” side of the fence from most of my Christian brothers and sisters. Discipline is important and necessary, hitting our children is not. I’m so glad you and your husband could recognize what was going on with your daughter!
It’s so strange to me that it is the wrong side of the fence. I think logically I always felt like it seemed odd, but then I saw so many families that used it and “swore” by it. However, I am at peace with the decision that it’s absolutely not right for our family. And it’s interesting that I felt like we were struggling with discipline when that scenario just reinforced that we were doing ok and it’s just a difficult time raising kids in some instances.
Yes, if you really think about it… spanking doesn’t really make any sense if you are trying to teach your child a lesson. It can be a struggle to discipline children, so I totally understand how easy it is to fall back into spanking and threatening. I taught Kindergarten for a few years with quite a number of behavior issues in my classroom, but I would never dream of ever laying a hand on one of my students, why would I do any differently to my own children? I’ll be sharing!
Thanks for sharing Tricia! It definitely doesn’t make sense, but I think it’s weirdly instinctive to want to do it when we’re at our wit’s end as parents.
I grew up getting spanked. I am an adult with five children and I do think I am fine. HOWEVER- I look back on my childhood and of the MANY times I was spanked- bare bottomed and hard…I literally cannot think of even ONE occasion where I remember why I was being spanked. I can’t think of ANY lesson learned from being spanked. I feel like as a child, so much is guess work and testing boundaries and limits..for me as a child – walking the line could mean some serious repercussions where even after I was spanked, I was just put to bed because I was literally hysterical. I dont remember my parents being angry when they spanked me..I just remember it hurt and I felt unsafe and exposed. I.CANT.DO.THAT.TO.MY.BABIES. Yes we have fallen into the trap because I really think it is engrained in our society which makes me feel sick to think that we as a society use physical violence as a first resort/last or any resort to “teach” children and we do it in the name of CHRIST. We do this under the blanket that the Bible says so. Personally I do not read those passages in that way. As someone who also raised animals, I could never imagine hitting my animals with the rod I had to help guide them but somehow it is all lost and here I sit, feeling defeated and like a bad mother because my MIL says I am because I do not discipline my children (according to her standards). I feel like a bad person because I will walk into the grocery store and I will see children screaming all the way to the car and then flattening themselves with their butt backwards against the car to avoid a spank. What do we do?! How do we change this culture?! How do I even change myself and my instincts to spank when I feel frustrated. It feels like a losing and hopeless battle.
Sorry. But not sorry. This is why kids in college need safe places and crying circles. I discipline my kids. And I think I’ve spanked my 11 year old twice. And my 16 year old once. They understand the repercussions of going against the rules or being disobedient. Punishing my children for wrong doing has never led them to act out at all. My youngest is strong willed and has great self confidence. My oldest is the same way but more methodical in her thinking. Both honor roll students and understand that there are repercussions for getting out of line. They also know that even though they are honor roll student. They are not at the very top of their class and are not expecting awards for being second. They earn their rewards and cherish them much more that a participant award and understand the difference
We very much discipline in our family. We just don’t spank or use physical force. So our kids get punished, we talk through situations with them, and they learn right and wrong. Just without laying a hand on them. Creating a relationship of mutual respect even in times of discipline doesn’t mean kids need “crying circles” it means as a parent you’re helping your child learn to work through situations in a civil manner, talk out situations, and more. In fact, they tend to better understand repercussions for their actions because it was 2-way communication and is more like the real world where they have to talk out differences with professors and bosses when they get grades, demerits, and job evaluations.
I was just having a conversation about this with my 13 year old son- he had witnessed a friend spank her child and it bothered him. I told him that we chose a harder path- one that did not include physical punishment. To me, spanking has always seemed like the lazy way out- you don’t take the time to teach your child when you spank, but you get the instant gratification of compliance, It is much harder to stop and think of what a logical consequence for bad behavior should be, and to then follow through with it consistently. Spanking is easy and quick, but to me it damages the parent child relationship (like you pointed out), but discipline, when done thoughtfully, strengthens the relationship, because it shows that you love your child enough to plan ahead, set rules, and be consistent. I have always been a fan of Love and Logic, and it has worked well for my family. My two teenage boys are far from perfect, but they understand that their actions have consequences, and that I will love them no matter what. I am sad when they make bad choices and have to suffer the consequences, and they understand that. To the previous poster, Mandy, please don’t give in to the pressure- read the book Love and Logic if you need help on getting started with a loving way to discipline.