New research exposes devastating crisis of parenting without help

There is a loneliness to raising kids without family in close proximity, without genuinely close friends, and without help.

I recognized long ago that it really did take a village to raise a child — but not because that was how a healthy child was to be raised, but because that’s how mentally healthy parents are raised and supported.

There is a deep sadness I can feel within my bones and a weight that sinks beyond the depth of my chest– gnawing and scratching inside of me. I remember being young and in love, planning out family and what it would look like to raise a happy and healthy family.

But over the last decade I have had to reconcile my idealistic view of parenting with the reality of managing it without the extra hands extended family can provide.

We live 1,700 miles from the closest extended family and even when we lived closer, it was still 1-3 hours from anyone close.

Then cue the hysteria that 2020 threw at all of us.

Parents everywhere stuck at home, isolating away from even the family they have nearby. Life without gathering in friends’ houses, without the warm hugs of those we love, and without the shared weight of carrying burdens together.

The year 2020 smacked me upside the head and revealed to me what a crushing weight it really is and the mental health load it puts on parents because instead of feeling like I was crazy for feeling the way I did, I started seeing all the big emotions I had felt spring up around me in the lives of those that had previously depended on their tribe or village that was helping raise their kids.

The breakdown of shared spaces and social gatherings started also breaking down family life in so many. I saw it, but I couldn’t pinpoint anything other than just “it’s a result of social distancing” or other conjured up ideas.

Then in the fall I saw this piece from the NYT — The Pandemic is a Metal Health Crisis for Parents. It struck a few hollow and painful cord inside of me. Let me give you a three statistical tidbits form the article:

Sixty-three percent of parents said they felt they had lost emotional support during the pandemic.
61 percent of parents of 5, 6 and 7 year olds in Massachusetts {hello, this is where I live!} agreed or strongly agreed that they felt “nervous, anxious, or on edge” because of the pandemic.
One study of nearly 2,000 pregnant women showed that 37 percent were showing clinically significant levels of depression, and 57 percent were showing clinically significant levels of anxiety.

That last one, the one about new and pregnant moms? I also feel that one. Not because I am expecting, but because if the current state of affairs means that while laboring a mom might not get to be with her husband, I would be nervous too. What about the thousands of moms, even well into the pandemic that are having to give birth completely alone even without medical staff because they test positive like this one from Jan 5, 2021?

These are all real fears. And I believe the worse health crisis is coming — the mental health load so many parents are carrying without help.

So what can we do about building community to raise our kids?

Before I go much further, let me say two important points. Yes, the virus & gobal shutdown are both a crisis and I am not denying it. Second, there are many parents that have felt this weight before the pandemic, others are experiencing it for the first time because of social quarantine, but neither are more or less important than the other. This crisis just more aptly highlights the problem.

FaceTime and Zoom are really great, but they don’t actually build the same strength of relationship or give parents needed breaks.

We have all felt zoom fatigue, even those of us that aren’t on it all the time. It feels like a lot of energy management for something that is not actually feeding our emotional health cups.

There is something uniquely special about being in the actual presence of another human being. They can’t mute themselves or swap out their screen. They are literally present and the connection is one that cannot be replaced. Plus, a babysitter can’t babysit through a computer.

Even a small group of trusted friends is greater than a multitude of passing acquaintances.

PODS for homeschooling became popular, but maybe they are also helpful outside of school.

Inside of hiding away, we should be working to establish safety nets for our families. Depending on your comfort level, creating small family pods to exchange babysitting or letting the kids play together {because isn’t it miraculous how a group of friends can be self-sufficient when kids within the same family seem to always need a parent?!}

I actually know of a couple of families that are very strict about who they see and how much they leave the house, but have found ways to connect their kids to others even with their own social distancing and gathering rules that were far greater than even our strict MA guidelines.

Asking for help is not a sign of weakness.

This relates to both mental health and filling tangible needs. I think when we feel most alone, we feel most likely to not seek help. This is just a gentle reminder there are resources to help in any tight situation you might be facing.

The National Alliance on Mental Illness can be reached any weekday and by phone or email. They also have 24/7 crisis help lines depending on your specific need.

This also means that being honest with each other helps everyone in the family.

As parents we can teach our children that hard days happen and are normal — modeling that getting help is ok and modeling healthy outlets to rebuild emotional bandwidth. When we are honest and tell our kids that we are having a hard day and that we need to do ____ to recharge, they learn from it!

It’s better to focus on what we can control versus what we cannot.

A little bit of creativity can change a hard day.

While it might be difficult, it is very possible to control an attitude or a mindset. So writing down gentle reminders of what we have to be thankful for or shifting the day’s trajectory with an abrupt activity can be really helpful.

One of my favorite things to do is pack the kids in the van when I notice myself or my children spiraling into a negativity rut. We listen to an audiobook while we drive. Sometimes we have a destination like a hike, others we just reset with a small drive and come back home. And in a time of social distancing and with no family to help, this has been such a blessing! I can’t tell you how many impromptu beach field trips or unplanned hiking expeditions we went on last year, but we were all better because of it.

New Rhythms or Routines can help

When you start to feel out of control or like what you are doing is full of anxiety instead of peace, then maybe it is time to restructure how you approach each day. Rhythms and routines when you’re not regularly seeing the people you otherwise would help the days not blend together. And I don’t know about you, but the mish-mash of unidentified days that just go on and on can be a huge weight and stir up unwanted anxiety.

Want more help on days you feel alone in this parenting gig?

Using the word “SMILE” this is a cheat sheet on how to reframe negative thoughts and words into something more positive for the family to focus on. And it’s an immediate shift from negative to positive!

Kara Carrero

Kara is an author and advocate for positive, grace-filled parenting. She is homeschooler to her 4 children living in Boston, MA and believes in creative educational approaches to help kids dive deeper into a rich learning experience. She has her degree in Secondary Education & Adolescent Childhood Development and is passionate about connecting with and helping other parents on their journey to raise awesome kids!