Dear Stay-At-Home-Moms, Please DON’T Shut Up
Oh the blessings of being a Stay-at-home-mom and what a task it can be on a daily basis. And while many have really responded in a positive manner to the recent post “Dear Stay-At-Home-Moms, Please Shut Up“, it’s something that has really rubbed me the wrong way. It sends the wrong message to mothers both young and old. It’s an aggressive letter at a vulnerable audience. And having been written from the SAHM point of view, I would have thought it would have been more compassionate towards her peers. We need megahorns to cheer other moms on, not ask any mom to bottle their emotions and feelings. So here are 6 things I think she fails to see when she asks all SAHMs to “Shut Up”.
We all go through Seasons of Life
Being a stay at home mom is hard and so is being a work at home mom and a work outside the home mom. We all have ebbs and flows in our life and days that are horrible and days that are better. To say that everyone is experiencing horrible days all at the same time would be silly because all of our days are different. But a little bit of empathy to the woman who can’t seem to catch a break could go a long way. Instead of turning a deaf ear to the woman in the grocery store about her seemingly “unfulfilled life”, offer her some encouragement, because maybe that’s all she needs to see that blessings in her despair.
Whether it’s a day, a week, or a season, we all have the good and the bad. My season of life has not been glamorous in the last two years. It’s been a season with very few friends and virtually no community. And while sometimes I felt like the friends I did have only heard my bad, they encouraged me. And in the end, it was less of an emotional load on my husband, which probably bettered our marriage too. I have complained and I have cried, but most of all I have needed someone who will listen. Someone who will tell me that it will be ok. Someone that knows I am not just crazy and that life is good even if it feel overwhelming. Someone who knows it’s just a season.
It’s Healthy to Have Emotions
My husband, recognizing my utter exhaustion and state of disarray, demanded that I go in the back room the other day and cry. So that’s what I did. When I emerged I felt much better with a clearer mind. The same is true when I can sit with another mom and discuss my emotions, share my difficulties, and listen to her struggles as well. We don’t have to feed off of negative emotions, but as women and as human beings we much realize that it is important to validate the way someone is feeling. Your feelings are just as legitimate as the next person’s. If you don’t agree with them, that is fine, but let’s keep it respectful.
The 24/7 job of Monotony can Drive Someone Crazy
Maybe for some it’s easy to do the same thing over and over and over again all day long, but for others it can get old. Being a one car family has taught me that my days need variation and sometimes that’s just not possible. For some moms, seeing the very first milestones does not outweigh the feeling of needing some deviation to the day. I even admitted that it took 22 months to truly love my daughter, and I feel like a lot of it was the monotony of the day that didn’t break up much until she was out of the baby phase.
She admits in the article that it’s a never-ending job. But maybe, just maybe, someone else struggles with trying to juggle it all and they need someone to talk it out with or someone to help out. Sometimes managing a home without becoming and complete emotional basket case is the only goal some moms have for the day. I have been there. Surely she has been there too.
The moms that are exasperated, exhausted, and weary don’t need a “heaping helping of Shut Your Friggin’ Piehole”, they just need help. It’s impossible to balance life. It’s a juggling act where sometimes we drop the ball. But that’s life, no matter where we stand as moms.
There is Guilt Regardless of Working or Staying Home
My husband may not have seen the very first of everything my daughter did, but he was just as excited to see her accomplish those milestones. And if I didn’t tell him that she was doing them before, it was a nice surprise for him to see it without knowing it was coming. So the moms who may hang their heads because they couldn’t be there for the very first one can still revel in the joy of seeing their child master the milestones.
There is guilt in being a stay-at-home-mom that is so exhausted that she has had the TV longer than she has played with her kids. There is guilt in the SAHM who has spent all day at home, but her house is less than clean. There is guilt for the SAHM who is not a great cook, chef, or baker. There is guilt in the SAHM who is not domestic, but is called to be. There is guilt for the SAHM who feels inadequate and like she can never get ahead or do enough. In the end, there is most definitely guilt for the SAHM.
Being a Stay-At-Home-Mom is not Always a Choice
Just like being a working mother is not a choice, sometimes it’s not the choice of the mom to stay home. I have talked to mom after mom who would have loved to stay at their job, but the money they would have made versus they money they would have spent on childcare did not add up to allow them to continue working. Childcare is expensive, especially good childcare.
There is no shame in providing for your family outside of the home. There are definitely moms who must work. And sure, they don’t see the same minute-by-minute break down of their child’s day, but they are giving their family opportunity that they might not have had otherwise.
While I did choose to stay home, I know that childcare would have been very close to my pay check. In the end, being a stay at home mom is right for our family, though I crave the intellectual aspect of working. So… that’s where this blog came into existence. It’s my remedy to feel like I am helping provide for my family, getting some social interaction, and stimulating the intellectual side of my existence.
New Moms need to Know it’s Not Always Glamorous
It’s a discussion that is not had enough. I declared a few months back that Being a Stay at Home Mom is not Rewarding and the whole purpose for the post was to show that there is a give and take. It’s not easy. It is monotonous. It can be infuriating, and It’s NOTHING like the workforce. However, it does have its benefits. But in the end, being a stay at home mom is not for everyone. The only sentiment I ever heard about being a SAHM before having my daughter is that I would “never regret it”. But some days I do miss my job. Some days having a toddler is harder to handle than pleasing a few bosses and educating the minds of 125 hormonal high school students.
Being a working mom is not for everyone either, and that too is wonderful. We are all made individually and unique and celebrating that uniqueness is beautiful. Our choices should not be a war or competition, they should be praised… because decisions regarding children are so hard to make.
We need to have compassion for all moms. Period.
Being a mom in general is hard. No one needs to “shut up”, we all just need a little more encouragement, a little more empathy, and a little less comparing. Not one of us walks the same road as a fellow mother.
Other Parenting Posts You Might Enjoy:
Kara is an author and advocate for positive, grace-filled parenting. She is homeschooler to her 6 children living on a farm in New England. She believes in creative educational approaches to help kids dive deeper into a rich learning experience and has her degree in Secondary Education & Adolescent Childhood Development. She is passionate about connecting with and helping other parents on their journey to raise awesome kids!
I agree completely. I think it’s necessary for us to speak out because so many people in this world are attacking the family unit! We need to all stick together, and if that means venting to each other for support, then by all means, DO NOT shut up!
Absolutely – The family unit is so so important, but feeling like we aren’t allowed to have bad days or share our thoughts is not helping the situation!
Thank you. We don’t need to shut up, we just need a voice to speak and ears to listen. We can all be more empathetic towards one another, whether working in the home, out of the home, or both. It ‘s a tough job. I appreciate your perspective here.
What a great post! Thank you for sticking up for those of us that are here to lift each other up, not add to the mom guilt that is already prevalent everywhere
Thank you Dayna! Mom guilt just seems to be the underlying emotion for almost all of us and it’s so exasperating!
So many of the things you said rang true for me as well Kara, and although there are some things I agree with in the original article – you’ve totally hit the nail on the head. There really isn’t a lot of sympathy out there for SAHM’s – and a lot of pressure for many career women to return to work. I have taken a 4 year break from my teaching career to be at home with my son and I feel incredibly lucky. But there are also days where I feel like I’m losing my mind from boredom, or resent having to stay in all day long and not talk to another adult all day if my son is sick. It’s definitely challenging and what this world needs is definitely more empathy, not less. We live in such an angry world and it takes a lot of effort and self-control not to give into that – love how positive and uplifting this post is! Way to go! Best, Sue
Thank you Sue! That is absolutely my goal, spread some love and positive thoughts to women in all seasons and walks of life. I fully understand the subtext of the other article too and I don’t think anyone just wants to sit around listening to complainers. In the end though a few kind words and empathy definitely go a long way and I really hope that all moms (working, SAHM, or a combination) realize that and we can all uplift each other in our individual walks.
Hello,
Thank you for sticking up for those of us that are here to lift each other up, not add to the mom guilt that is already prevalent everywhere