The Parenting Dating Game

I think sometimes embracing parenthood is hard. Not just because you get less sleep or have to share food, but because you have to truly die to yourself. While I can raise my child to love what I love, explaining the social implications of futbol and machismo on world politics just isn’t something I can do for awhile with my daughter. We had to re-align our love for her over our love for the activities we were involved in and even the friends we had. For us, finding a parenting community has been difficult because, of course, no one parents exactly the way we do and to be honest we were some of the first of our friends to have kids. However, it’s a journey we have found necessary to take because as mom, dad, and family, we have to see that others are going through the same things in life, we have to share life with people that are in the same season, and we have to be a part of a village that will help us raise our children.

Fifteen months into the parenting gig is when I finally started figuring it all out. Single people would send us texts to play sports 15 minutes before we’re supposed to be there and those couples that don’t have kids want us to show up to a party that starts at 5 and lasts until 2am…and they’re not so keen on the kids being there. But parents… they get it. They fully understand that your child is having a melt down and is letting out a blood curdling scream in a nice restaurant.

Finding Community through the Parenting Dating Game

I never knew that having a child would mean I would have to start dating again. I personally, was not a fan of the dating scene. I prefer not to have awkward moments of “did I say something wrong?” or feeling like I had to be perfect. Plus, technology has come so far in the past several years that dating were someone has instant access to their cell phone makes situations even more awkward.

So what do I really mean by I had to start dating again? This is two fold. First, I had to start dating my husband again. It’s like a flip gets switched when a man becomes a father and a woman becomes a mother. Hormones aside, we truly do become different people and have different values. Taking time to rediscover each other and to discover who we are as parents has been an interesting roller coaster.

We have to learn to be on the same page. So should our kids watch TV and if so which shows are appropriate? She my kid eat that treat at a party or should we respectfully decline? It has been something that we have to learn to trust each other’s instincts even when the other does something we wouldn’t have! Which also means that for us, It has strengthened our faith because it’s hard and we have really had to rely on God’s grace and power to get through it all and also to forgive when the other “screws up”.

Secondly, we have had to start dating other couples. The people that I am closest with in life today are not the friends I deeply connected with before my daughter was born. In fact, I didn’t even know many of them. More importantly than finding mom friends, I think fathers need to be able to connect with other dads. Because in many ways I think that can be a harder and even scarier transition.

Now that we are in the middle of a move, I am slightly devastated to be leaving the community I worked so hard to find and connect with. Praying over a meal and eating it as a small community has never brought me so much joy. These friends encourage me to be in my Bible daily and parent my child with love, patience, and honesty. They are ok with the fact that my house was a total disaster and I was in sweat pants when they came over for game night. And they are friends that are willing to be completely foolish, silly, and crazy just to have some fun and entertain our kids. Some are the people who brought us meals when our daughter was born even though they barely knew us.

So now, I prepare to start the dating game over. To try to discover friends and parents that we can share life with. We have many different groups of friends here in Oklahoma City and I am sure that we will have many groups of friends in Boston too.

Questions I ask when “dating” other parents and families

While I have simple questions that I ask myself when I am chatting with and hanging out with new people, someone just needs to fulfill one single question to really be someone I consider to be a part of my parenting community and parenting village. In fact, not everyone I meet is going to share my faith, and I respect that. But I also know I need all these areas covered in my life and no single person or family is going to fulfill all of them.

• Do they add value to my life?
• Do they get my humor… or better yet my husband’s?
• Do they have family values that align with ours?
• Can they maintain both intellectual and child-based conversations?
• Do our kids get along?
• Do we have similar views on what food is acceptable nutrition?
• Do they encourage me to be a better mother?
• Do they encourage me to be a better Christian?
• Are they honest even if what they have to say is harsh?
• Do I trust them?
• Do we help answer the tough parenting questions?
• Can I count on them to follow through?

So heads up all Boston area families… we’re a little crazy, but we’re taking friendship applications.

Other parenting & Family stories that may interest you:
When the Parenting Village Doesn’t Exist
Parenting without Saying No
One simple top to stop the begging